The term asshole, while potentially offensive, is being used purposely in the belief that with important issues it is better to offend than be ignored
Bullying has been a problem in schools for generations, and new laws aiming to remedy the situation by broadening the definition, instituting policies and processes, are fighting a rising tide as children expand schoolyard bullying to cyberspace.
Many people, experts included, believe that the term bullying has started to lose meaning as school boards seek to implement standards that are vague – and policies that are cumbersome.
In addition, bullying does not take into consideration relational aggression which is more widespread and often more damaging to children. Relational aggression is when children purposely exclude a child from play, spread rumors or lies, and try to ostracize another child.
The answer to bullying in Oakland schools, and in schools around the country, is to create a school environment that does not encourage a hostile work environment – and the answer has already been provided by a professor of management science and engineering at Stanford University, Bob Sutton.
Sutton authored a best selling book entitled, “The No Asshole Rule, Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t”. Originating out of an article for Harvard Review, Sutton’s book The No Asshole Rule was awarded a Quill Award as the Best Business Book of 2007.
The same logic and strategy designed to increase productivity in the work place can – and should be – implemented in the schools in order to optimize the educational environment….and the same word “asshole” might provide the impetus for change.
Under both common law and canon law, it is generally accepted that children reach the age of reason at 7 years, and they “understand that their conduct violated the standards of acceptable community behavior.”
It seems that expending hours and resources on children over the age of 7 in the belief that they did not understand their behavior to be wrong is counter-productive. It should be assumed that the child understood prior that the act was wrong and violated the standards of acceptable behavior; to think otherwise is to label every child as deficient.
Once a child has reached the age of reason, punishment – not education – is the appropriate response for “asshole” like behavior. There is no real social stigma associated with being labeled a “bully”; the term carries with it connotations of strength and power over others. “Asshole”, on the other hand, has no positive connotations.
As detailed in this Forbes article, Sutton provides a simple method to determine if a person is an asshole:
Test One: After talking to the alleged asshole, does the “target” feel oppressed, humiliated, de-energized, or belittled by the person? In particular, does the target feel worse about him or herself?
Test Two: Does the alleged asshole aim his or her venom at people who are less rather than at those people who are more powerful?
These are tests that cannot be standardized as they apply to individual persons in individual circumstances, but as Justice Potter declared with respect to obscenity, ” I know it when I see it”.
It is impossible to legislate the definition of a bully, and so it is with assholes.
Bob Sutton, with The No Asshole Rule, does offer some identifiers known as the Dirty Dozen.
1) Personal insults
2) Invading one’s “personal territory”
3) Uninvited physical contact
4) Threats and intimidation, both verbal and nonverbal
5) “Sarcastic jokes” and “teasing used and insult delivery systems
6) Withering e-mail flames
7) Status slaps intended to humiliate their victims
8 Public shaming or “status degradation” rituals
9) Rude interruptions
10) Two-faced attacks
11) Dirty looks
12) Treating people as if they are invisible
These are actions that would not constitute bullying under the law, but legal standards are not the standards we set for standard behavior. If this were the case, then every child who is not convicted of a crime is considered a great success.
We should expect more from our children, more than not being a bully – but not to be an asshole…and they won’t know they are acting like assholes unless we tell them, unless we say – “Stop acting like an asshole”
While Sutton’s best-selling book, The No Asshole Rule, was intended for the adult workplace in order to improve worker productivity, the same standards can easily be applied to schools in terms of mitigating traditional bullying and relational aggression.
Sutton insisted that the word “asshole” be included in the title of his book saying that, “no other word captures the essence of this type of person”.
It can be argued that we are failing our children out of politeness, and creating another generation that will become vulnerable to drugs, eating disorders, and abusive relationships which research shows increases with those subjected to relational aggression.
A teacher calling a student an asshole might rightfully be considered abusive, but a classmate complaining that another student is acting like an asshole might simply be speaking truth to power – and there is your bullying deterrent.
Instead of a child complaining to a teacher that so-and-so called me a name, or so-and-so keeps bothering me, the child should be empowered to say, “So-and-So is acting like an asshole and spreading rumors about me.”
Children should not be made victims of bullying by either the bullies or a school administration. Rather than report an incidence of being bullied, students should report asshole like behavior.
Of course, just as the new NJ laws concerning bullying leave themselves open to abuse through false accusations, unfounded “asshole accusations” can result in a student being labeled a “dirty asshole”.
The Girl Scouts of America, in keeping with their spirit of innovation, is the first national youth organization to address the problem head on. This spring they launched their Be a Friend First campaign which directly confronts the damage caused by relational aggression. “Girl Scouts is about growing girls into leaders, which includes teaching girls to recognize when something is inhibiting their development, such as relational bullying,” said Anna Maria Chavez, Chief Executive Officer of Girl Scouts of the USA.
America does not have a bullying problem in schools – it has an asshole problem – and raising the next generation of leaders should be a critical concern as Americans today give their elected legislative body a near 80% disapproval rating.
The genius and talent of America’s future should not be lost to the assholes of today.
LINKS:
http://tweenparenting.about.com/od/behaviordiscipline/a/The-Effects-of-Backstabbing.htm
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3111222/
http://www.hopehouseonline.org/pages/girls.shtml
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/10/fashion/10Cultural.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
http://blogs.hbr.org/sutton/2007/03/why_i_wrote_the_no_asshole_rule.html
http://www.weslacotx.gov/documents/Book-Reports/IT-BookReportMar2013.pdf
http://bobsutton.typepad.com/my_weblog/the_no_asshole_rule/
http://blogs.hbr.org/sutton/2007/03/why_i_wrote_the_no_asshole_rule.html
http://www.opheliaproject.org/ra.html#ra
http://online.wsj.com/article/PR-CO-20130515-910014.html?mod=googlenews_wsj
http://forgirls.girlscouts.org/bullying-can-you-recognize-it-quiz/
http://www.girlscoutcsa.org/content/uploads/bullying_take_control_patch_program.pdf
http://awaythrough.com/blog/page/4
http://www.awaythrough.com/girlscouts/
http://www.fathers.com/content/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=21&Itemid=60
The problem is not only how do we deal with young assholes but how do we deal with grown assholes. We can change the behavior in our youth but can old assholes learn new tricks? That’s the question.
The problem is that the old assholes are the parents of the young assholes.
a well written article on a subject that is so important in our present day.
this should be thoroughly examined and discussed in order to
start a venue in which we can help to alleviate the forces that are affecting
our children in such a demeaning way.
thank you for bringing this subject to the forefront.
let us continue to right this wrong.
renee maloof