Obama’s Treasure Chest
It is often noted that John F. Kennedy was the first President to truly understand the power of television as a tool in politics. Many consider Richard Nixon’s decision to forgo makeup prior to their televised debate to have played a critical role in that extremely close election. President Carter tried to communicate with the American public by rehashing FDR’s successful fireside chats, but pastel cardigans reminded people too much of Mr. Rogers and not enough of FDR. Ronald Reagan was the master, followed by Bill Clinton who was no slouch standing before the cameras. Appreciation for the artistry waned with President Bush and the candidates who ran against him as all efforts were focused squeezing as many American flags on to the stage as possible.
Barack Obama brings a new twist to the technique with his bare chested news conferences. Sources inside the Obama administration noticed that the public was easily distracted by pictures showing the shirtless president-elect on the beach in Hawaii. This led to extensive discussions and a decision to extend the practice to news conferences emanating from the White House. Presidential advisers believed that a bare-chested Obama would distract considerably from the bad news being delivered, and perhaps even win support for some of the President’s new initiatives. It is not known at this time who suggested the bonfire ambiance.
The President’s staff had a harder time winning the support of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. The former contender for the White House, former Senator from New York, and present wife of former President Bill Clinton is described as being almost hostile in her resistance. Ms. Clinton argued that real problems require real solutions, and even admitted to the fact that she is not as young as she used to be. The President’s staff won over her cooperation by rightfully arguing that she’s still in pretty good shape.
Critics claim the President is entering a slippery slope, and are questioning as to how much flesh will be exposed as the nation’s economic crisis continues to worsen. “If their plan is to distract the public from the problems facing this nation, Presidential news conferences could devolve into full fledged pornography in the near future.”, stated one prominent member of the opposition.
Throwing Good After Bad
A recent scandal at a local hospital is raising calls for new financial oversight. In the tragic case of John Doe, hospital officials continually transplanted healthy organs into a corpse. The recipient of the highly sought after organs, identified only as John Doe, had been technically dead for a significant period. This did not stop doctors or hospital administrators from ordering extensive surgeries for the patient.
Thousands of Americans wait every day for word that a viable donor is available for heart, liver, kidney and other lifesaving and life altering surgical transplants. The recent situation where these vital and scarce donor organs were transplanted into a corpse has raised public outrage with protests outside the hospital. The drama began with a heart transplant which many thought was the only organ needed to bring the man back to life. When this failed, officials approved a kidney and liver transplant which both ended with the patient remaining dead.
While the corpse continued to be approved as a good candidate for donor transplants, several other living candidates succumbed to their respective diseases. The issue only came to light when the family of one of the passed over candidates overheard a confidential conversation and demanded that the pancreas already approved for the dead man be diverted to his living relative. Concerned over a the brewing scandal, the corpse did not receive the donor pancreas and the living candidate under went a successful transplant.
Editors Note*
The following corrections to the above article need to be made. The Journal has learned that the patient in question is not John Doe, but rather the the insurance company AIG. The company did not receive vital organs, but rather billions of dollars in federal funds. Other than that the story is correct.
Real Last Meal
It’s a break out opportunity for Tara Truth, but the producers of a brand new reality television show are hoping it’s not a breakout for the special guest judge. In the newest twisted twist to the competitive cooking shows flooding the networks, Tara Truth will be one of three contestants cooking the last meal for convicted murderer John Tushy.
The show has earned the cooperation of the Texas Penal Commission, and Tara and her competitors will be flown to Texas to compete in a last meal cook-off for Tushy. “It’s really a great opportunity for me”, says Tara. “I’m also glad that there are many people who think Tushy is innocent, because I would feel a little uncomfortable cooking my heart out for a man I knew was truly evil.”
The new show, entitled The Last Supper, is the brain child of famed reality producer Ray Cohones who many consider a pioneer in the genre. “This is the ultimate competition”, says Cohones. “This is a man who is going to be fried. Not sauteed, not tossed or rolled, but fried. And this is going to be his last meal. The pressure will be intense for all the competitors, not just for the prize money, but on a personal, human level.”
Tara will not say exactly which dish she will be preparing for Tushy, but she did agree to give us an idea of what might be on the menu. “Everybody has a mother, and I’m hoping my dishes, while maybe not as fancy, will bring him that comfort. Consider it serious comfort food. I’m also conscious that Mr.Tushy will be meeting his Maker soon after the meal, so I don’t want to make anything that might cause him to be too gaseous. That wouldn’t be right.”
Tushy’s case has attracted national attention which might be one reason producers chose him for the premiere episode of The Last Supper. ACLU representative Jim Carrie summarized the situation by saying, “The man is a three times loser, but unfortunately he did not commit the crime he was convicted of. The man has a an I.Q of a chipmunk and was held for three days without access to an attorney, deprived of sleep, and placed in a situation where he soiled his pants. Any confession elicited from a man with soiled pants should not be admissible in a court of law.”
Tushy was convicted of murdering the Mayor of Bangs, Texas. Tushy, a well known transient in the area who had previous convictions for assault with a battery, armed robbery and felony drug charges, had a hostile relationship with the mayor. On exiting a drive-thru Starbucks, Tushy claims an accidental spill caused him to press on the accelerator and he accidentally ran the mayor over. Prosecutors presented a different story, and presented the case of an opportunistic serial criminal taking vengeance on the man who tried to run him out of town.
A media circus evolved around the case when Tushy won a 3 million dollar judgement from Starbucks for burns suffered in the groin area, but the civil suit did nothing to help him escape the electric chair. After his execution, Tushy plans on donating the proceeds to the Julia Child School of Cooking which works towards bringing French cooking to refugee camps worldwide.
Besides Mr. Tushy who will be the guest judge, celebrity judges who will travel with the show to various prisons are rumored to include Sean Penn and Dick Cheney. The Journal will announce the premiere date when it is released by the studio.