It’s back to school, and what better way to celebrate this annual event then with talk about farts.
There are still many people that think speaking about farts is not socially acceptable; they think it’s childish, it’s sophomoric, and it’s lowbrow, bathroom humor…those people are usually farts themselves.
Farts are funny – they sometimes really stink – but they are always funny. Children especially find farts funny, and often adults who find farts funny are accused of acting childish.
As this is a back to school article, it could include statistics such as the chemical makeup of the average fart which is 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, 9% carbon dioxide, 7 % methane and 4% oxygen.
It could share facts that the average person farts 14 times a day; or, that an informal survey in Australia found that kids there fart 24 times a day. Australians like to have baked beans with “brekkie”, and one experiment had them counting their daily farts with and then without the baked beans – an experiment that might raise a stink with American parents. (FYI, farts increased 40% with the baked beans for breakfast)
Getting serious about farts could even lead us into that gray area of science and philosophy to ask that eternal question, why do people like the smell of their own farts – but that is too great a question to be discussed in under 2013 words.
Instead, it is probably more edifying and entertaining to limit our discussion of farts to none other than American founding father Benjamin Franklin.
In 1781, while serving as ambassador to France, Franklin felt compelled to construct a missive to the Royal Academy of Brussels which had put out a call for scientific papers to be submitted. The pretentious nature of certain European institutions tended to grate on Franklin’s pragmatic spirit, and so he crafted a response addressed “To the Royal Academy of Farting”.
The proposition put forth by Franklin was that scientists should pursue finding an element that people could add to their food that would make their farts smell like perfume.
“My Prize Question therefore should be, To discover some Drug wholesome & not disagreable, to be mix’d with our common Food, or Sauces, that shall render the natural Discharges of Wind from our Bodies, not only inoffensive, but agreable as Perfumes.”
Considering that this idea was put forth 232 years ago, it is remarkable that the global pharmaceutical companies of the 21st century have yet to produce such a drug as Franklin proposed. While Franklin was being facetious in his proposition, that’s no reason why today’s drug companies cannot take it seriously.
If an average school class has a minimum of twenty students, and each student expels approximately 3 farts per day in the classroom – that’s about 60 farts a day being released in a confined space where people are trying to concentrate.
Farts that smell like perfume would improve the educational environment by eliminating the odorous distraction of the stink, though the breaking wind sound would still exist. Eventually, without the accompanying smell, the farting sound would lose it’s humor and become as funny as a sneeze – which are not very funny.
There are, as Franklin points out in his missive, additional health benefits to be derived from a drug that imbibes our farts with the bouquet of flowers. People, at least some people, hold in their farts – though no one is sure where they go when that happens. As Franklin explains:
“It is universally well known, That in digesting our common Food, there is created or produced in the Bowels of human Creatures, a great Quantity of Wind.
That the permitting this Air to escape and mix with the Atmosphere, is usually offensive to the Company, from the fetid Smell that accompanies it.
That all well-bred People therefore, to avoid giving such Offence, forcibly restrain the Efforts of Nature to discharge that Wind.
That so retain’d contrary to Nature, it not only gives frequently great present Pain, but occasions future Diseases, such as habitual Cholics, Ruptures, Tympanies, &c. often destructive of the Constitution, & sometimes of Life itself.”
Franklin’s concern for the individual health of the farter, goes even farther into seeing the potential to provide pleasure for friends and family by tailoring our farts to suit the company we keep.
“The generous Soul, who now endeavours to find out whether the Friends he entertains like best Claret or Burgundy, Champagne or Madeira, would then enquire also whether they chose Musk or Lilly, Rose or Bergamot, and provide accordingly.”
Benjamin Franklin was being very facetious with his missive “To the Royal Academy of Farting”, and he never actually sent it to to the Brussels Academy – though he published it himself to share with others who wanted a chuckle.
So, in this season of back to school, and an enjoyment of all the wonderful things that can be learned there, we share this eclectic piece of history on farting – along with some other fartastic facts on farting.
A happy and healthy school year to all Oakland students.
Links:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fart_Proudly
http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/to-the-royal-academy-of-farting/
